If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
If a snake ate a cake
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Godspeed, John Glenn
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”