It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.