Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.