ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
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Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Oh deer
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?