Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.