Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
When the stylist spins you back around
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Does it…does it take 3 days
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*