Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
describing stardew valley
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.