My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life