ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.