[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”