Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy