My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”