This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
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When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th