Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.