Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when