Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
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when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer