I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
can you read it!!??
maan!
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
house sitting!
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.