When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My dating profile:
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.