I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Holy crap this is wonderful
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Name this drama.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS