A dad and his duck
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>