TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person