When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.