Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
You Might Also Like
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band