Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Brb my Sims are getting married
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]