[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.