Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
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I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
wtf management?!
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day