Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
You Might Also Like
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Mornin
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.