It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My dog ate my work from home.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate