Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Jogging
mom gave me mine for free
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?