oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Why I divorced her.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My favorite female superhero
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too