Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
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I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.