Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.