nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
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Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me sliding into hell like
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!