It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
You Might Also Like
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
2022 be like
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.