Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
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What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Why I divorced her.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.