My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Baller is short for ballerina
Lmao 🤣
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.