If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
*jazz hands*