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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it