A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Saturday
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.