At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Bobby pin
Not my job 😂
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.