I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.