I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
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Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮