doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
You Might Also Like
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Oops
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.