I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
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who wore it better?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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