I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
s
oc
i
a
l
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.