me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces