Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on