Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I need better friends
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.