My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.