When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Make new friends? bro out of what?